[SCENE: The Gaslamp Games Offices. THE NEW OFFICES. DAVID BAUMGART, ART DIRECTOR, enters the Break Room.]
David Baumgart, Art Director, enters the break room. Programmer Art Depiction.
DAVID: Wizards, grain silos, Utretcht, tank simulation… ah, it is good to be a vegan! Horrible frost giants! And now, lunch.
[DAVID opens the door of the fridge. Inside is BEEF JERKY, which leaps out and attacks him.]
DAVID: Alas! I die.
[HE COLLAPSES. Enter DANIEL and NICHOLAS from the Break Room Door.]
NICHOLAS: David is being attacked by beef jerky! It must be Wednesday. Quickly, get him onto the table.
[THEY DO SO. The table collapses. OH WELL.]
DANIEL: The beef jerky is … attacking his mind, somehow. It’s corrupting his vegan essence.
DAVID: I… deny then… my essence…
[SCENE: In David’s mind, terrible flashbacks occur. The company is formed in a basement. Dredmor ships.]
NICHOLAS: Fascinating.
DANIEL: You can’t say that – we’re parodying The Next Generation, not The Original Series.
NICHOLAS: Look! He’s remembering old blog posts… in his dreams.
[DAVID PROCEEDS TO REMEMBER.]
David Baumgart proceeding to remember happy memories (in this case, a carrot.) Programmer Art Depiction.
DAVID: mumble, mumble… Scott Pilgrim ruined it for all of us… mumble…
DANIEL: Now it looks like he’s experiencing good memories.
[DAVID PROCEEDS TO REMEMBER “GOOD MEMORIES”:
– Clockwork Empires’ Early Access Announcement
– That GDC trip where Stephanie got us all Hand Lotion
– Six months of early access updates!
– 4,700+ repository commits
– 22 experimental builds released to the public
– coverage from just about every major PC gaming site on the planet
– The Beauty of Poetry
– Whatever this thing is!]
DANIEL: It’s no good. The Beef Jerky is getting to him. Maybe if we make him… remember bad memories, it will damage the virus. Jerky. Jerky virus.
NICHOLAS: We can induce bad memories with Medicinal Liniments. Remember, under no circumstances take medical advice from me!DANIEL: Aren’t all those good memories *your* blog posts?
NICHOLAS: Whatever. Here, let me stick needles into his head.
[DAVID PROCEEDS TO REMEMBER “BAD” MEMORIES”:
– Making three Clockwork Empires Trailers
– That GDC trip where Stephanie got us all Hand Lotion
– The last time we parodied Inception]
DANIEL: Hang on, let me set this machine to “Programmer Art.” There we go.
[DAVID AWAKES, SCREAMING.]
David Baumgart Awakes from a Horrible Dream. (Also, he is wearing Mittens for some reason.) Programmer Art Depiction.
DAVID: What happened?
DANIEL: You’re on vacation, so we made fun of you in our year-end wrap-up blog post.
DAVID: Ah, it must be Wednesday!
NICHOLAS: That’s it for us, folks. As always, we thank you for your patronage and look forward to seeing you in 2015! Happy New Year!
DAVID: … who are you talking to again?
DANIEL: Gnomes!
[ALL LAUGH. CREDITS ROLL.]
